Tuesday, December 29, 2009

At this time, we see a major procession

At this time, we see a major procession
Of best-of-the-decade chat sessions.
But we won;t waste your time
Because, above all, I’m
Just a guy who writes jokes as a profession.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Can the Lions finish 4 and 12?

Can the Lions finish 4 and 12?
I feel it is to early to shelve
The entire season,
When they can still ease in
To the hearts of true fans like myselve.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

There once was a reindeer named Dasher

There once was a reindeer named Dasher
Who consulted a New York haberdasher.
He said, ‘Make me fashionable,
Not normal or rational.
‘Cause I see myself much more panacher.”

There once was a reindeer named Dancer
Who vacationed near the Tropic of Cancer.
She lounged by the pool
Looking sexy and cool
Searching for a buck to romance her.

There once was a reindeer named Prancer
Who wanted to be a break-dander.
The antlers made it rough
So he had them cut off,
Hoping a bald head would be the answer.

There once was a reindeer named Vixen
Whose beauty was very transfixin’
She turned up her nose
At all of her beaux
Whom she led on just to eighty-six ‘em.

There once was a reindeer named Comet
Who asked, “Where’s the island of Guam at?
My stomach’s upset
So I need to get
A balm made of Guam palm to calm it.”

There once was a reindeer named Cupid
Who did something incredibly stupid,
She drank too much grog,
Mulled wine and egg nog,
And got a DUI near Guadelupe

There once was a reindeer named Donder
Who in a past life was a condor.
That might explain why
He soars through the sky,
But the laying of eggs is a wonder.

There once was a reindeer named Blitzen
Who loves New Orleans where she sits in
With a Dixieland band
Playing piano four-hand
While tour groups watch her, kibitzin’

There once was a reindeer named Rudolph
Who is an expert at black-and-blue golf.
In spite of its name,
This reindeer game
Is tame. It’s not quite that rough.

Merry Christmas


Mac

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Enough of that constant Burl Ives

Enough of that constant Burl Ives,
Ran Coniff Gene Autry, Jackson 5.
No Bowie and Bing,
Or that Steamroller thing.
Christmas music gives my ears hives.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Can the Lions go 5 and 11?

Can the Lions go 5 and 11?
If they do,, all will be forgiven.
’09 ins’t great,
But it does beat ’08.
Win out, and we’re heaven driven.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Tiger Woods is the butt of some jokes,

Tiger Woods is the butt of some jokes,
But I think it is all a big hoax.
Why would any girl
Give any guy a twirl
Whose goal is to use the fewest strokes.?

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Can the Lions finish 6 and 10?

Can the Lions finish 6 and 10?
A worthy goal for these valiant men.
There’s really no reason
To not end up this season
As hot as a bowl os Cayenne.

Go Detroit! Beat the Ravens!

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Can the Lions finish 7 and 9?

Can the Lions finish 7 and 9?
To me that, of course, would be fine.
Forget the draft pick
Turn things around quick.
Motown needs a positive sign.

Go Detroit. Beat the Bengals.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Paula Deen was volunteering and – Wham!

Paula Deen was volunteering and – Wham!
She got hit in the face with a ham.
It knocked her clean out,
But she woke with a shout,
“It just needs a bit more marjoram.”

Thursday, December 3, 2009

When Tariq asked Michelle, “What’s for dinner?”

When Tariq asked Michelle, “What’s for dinner?”
She replied, “I’ve a plan that’s a winner.
I’ll put on my red frock,
And, we’ll drop in on Barack”
Now, theyve hired a top PR spinner.

Monday, November 30, 2009

So, Tiger Woods ran into a tree

So, Tiger Woods ran into a tree,
Why don’t we just let the guy be.
What, his wife broke some glass,
Trying to club his ass?
What other good dirt you got for me?

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Can the Lions finish 8 and 8?

Can the Lions finish 8 and 8?
I believe that is their true fate.
A Thanksgiving win;
The league in a spin;
Just thinking it makes me salivate.

Go Detroit. Beat the Packers.
Happy thanksgiving.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Ex-CNN curmudgeon Lou Dobbs

Ex-CNN curmudgeon Lou Dobbs
Is after the ultimate of jobs.
He might run for Prez
(That’s what Fox News says.)
In a conservative danse macabre.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Can the Lions finish 8 and 8?

Can the Lions finish 8 and 8?
I am sure that would be super great.
To start – beat the Browns,
Lake Erie’s other clowns,
And bring some joy to that poor state.

Go Detroit. Beat the Browns.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I heard Sarah Palin has written a book,

I heard Sarah Palin has written a book,
I don’t think that I’ll be taking a look.
I heard she puts blame
On her buddy McCain,
The press, her hair stylist, and cook.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Can the Lions finish 9 and 7?

Can the Lions finish 9 and 7?
Coach Schwartz will have his team revvin;.
They'll tturn INTs
Into some TDs.
Giving loyal fans a small glimpse of heaver.

Go Detroit. Beat the Vikings.

Friday, November 13, 2009

New Moon will win the box office race

New Moon will win the box office race
With its hunky young vampires apace.
Every theatrical showing
Will start hormones flowing.
There won’t be a dry seat in the place.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

There once was a fellow named Norb

There once was a fellow named Norb
Who travelled halfway across this orb,
As a U. S. Army man
In occupied Japan
Not there to stroll through the forb*.

In memory of P. F. C. Norbert R. MacArthur

*forb – n. – An herb different from a grass.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Will the Lions go 11 and 5?

Will the Lions go 11 and 5?
Well, the bye week has helped them revive.
You may think I’m screwy,
But by beating St. Louis,
They’ll start out an 11-win drive.

Friday, October 23, 2009

The Pope has invited the Anglicans

The Pope has invited the Anglicans
To escape from their faith’s shenanigans
And avoid getting cooties
From priests, girly and fruity,
For just a small check to the Vatican.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

I’ve decided to become a Mayan

I’ve decided to become a Mayan
So I can get rich without tryin’
With the royalties alone
For our calendar of stone.
It all might end, but it will be mi-un.

Monday, October 19, 2009

I don’t mean to be an obsesser,

I don’t mean to be an obsesser,
But, how’s the Prez a peace prize processor?
What gave him the pop
Was that been with the cop
And the “break-in-my-own-house” professor.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

It's Blog Action Day -- There once was a planet called Earth

There once was a planet called Earth
Who’s ecological wonders were dearth.
But if every blog reader
Does something to heed her,
She can regain her beauty and worth.

Do something today (and tomorrow and the day after that and every day next week) to reverse global warming. Don't make me come over there!

See http://www.blogactionday.org/

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Can the Lions finish 12 and 4?

Can the Lions finish 12 and 4?
That’s something I dearly hope for.
Beating Green Bay
Should be easy, I say.
Without that pesky old number 4

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Can the Lions go 13 and 3?

Can the Lions go 13 and 3?
Sounds like a no-brainer to me.
But, don’t roll the dice,
Play the first half twice,
And chalk up another victory.

Go Detroit. Beat the Steelers.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

OMG! F U WNT 2 STA ALYV

OMG! F U WNT 2 STA ALYV
PLS, NVR TXT WYL U DRYV.
Let’s make it quite clear,
You need two hands to steer,
And to smoke, and to drink, and to eat, and to change the radio, and to dig in the console for change for the tolls, to make sure you safely arrive.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

It seems that vampires are all the rage;

It seems that vampires are all the rage;
On TV, in films and on the printed page.
Not like in past years
When blood-sucking financiers
Caused some righteous American outrage.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Can the Lions go 14 and 2?

Can the Lions go 14 and 2?
That last victory was quite a coup.
Even Madame Doninique,
The noted psuchique
Says, “I predict a big ‘W’.”

Friday, October 2, 2009

The NBC boys were in bliss.

The NBC boys were in bliss.
Jay Leno at 10? It can’t miss.
But after one week
With one voice, we speak,
Saying, “You cancelled ER for this?”

Monday, September 28, 2009

There's a 10-year-old that we call Blogger

There's a 10-year-old that we call Blogger,
The best opinion cataloger.
Click on a link,
Find out what we think.
Just what might 10 more years augur?

At the UN, Moammar Gadhafi

At the UN, Moammar Gadhafi
Made a speech both rambling and daffy.
He called Obama, “Our son.”
And pissed off everyone
Faster than a camel hair frappe.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Can the Lions go 14 and 2?

Can the Lions go 14 and 2?
I’m sure that they can, aren’t you?
They’ve had two good halfs
With just a few gaffes.
What more can we ask them to do?

Go Detroit! Beat the Native Americans!

Saturday, September 26, 2009

For 250 great years

For 250 great years
Guiness has brewed magnificent beers.
So let’s raise a glass,
Every laddie and lass,
And with one world-wide voice, shout out, “Cheers!”

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Can the Lions fo 15 and 1?

Can the Lions go 15 and 1?
I believe that they can get it done.
Though, the first loot at Stafford
Was a bit of a laugher,
He still might be our favorite son.

Go Detroit. Beat the Vikings.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Can the Lions go 16 and 0?

Can the Lions go 16 and 0?
Dear God, I surely hope so.
No wins in ‘08
Was just so ungreat
I almost moved to Kokomo.

Go Detroit. Beat the Saints.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Two - A - Days continue -- A fellow who grew up in Pittsburgh

A fellow who grew up in Pittsburgh
Now lives with the Duchess of Hapsburg.
He said, “It’s an art.
To steal ‘er cold heart.
It’s like making love to an iceburg.

Happy opening game!

A guy I know in Arizona

A guy I know in Arizona
Will never have sex with a moana.
You can scream, you can shout,
You can throw things about,
But don’t break the cardinal rule. No bologna

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Two - A 0 Days continue -- This bachelor down in Tennessee

This bachelor down in Tennessee
Plies his women with Lynchburg whisky.
He says, “Two shots gets them tight, and
“Two more and they might’en
“Get a little more looser and frisky.”

This fellow who lives in New York

This fellow who lives in New York
Is thought to be a giant dork.
He hands out headsets
On passenger jets.
And claims that it’s challenging work.

Two - A - Days continue -- Said a mom to her girl in Philadelphia

Said a mom to her girl in Philadelphia
“Don’t put your love on a shelf, Mia..
“Soar like an eagle,
Be proud and regal.
Not a whore like your sister, Cordellia.

The citizens of proud Baltimore

The citizens of proud Baltimore
Have Edgar Allen Poe to adore.
The Rue Morgue. The Raven.
The Tell Tale Heart is my faverin.
Forget that great poet? Nevermore

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Two - A - Days continue -- This elderly man in Carolina

This elderly man in Carolina
Makes prank phone calls from his reclina.
He’s a raver, a ranter,
A breather, and a panter.
(And you thought the last word was ______.)

This hooker down in San Diego

This hooker down in San Diego
Is so hot. You could call her “enfuego”.
But the best part, you see
Is she gives it for free.
Not a charger? Why didn’t you say so?

Monday, September 7, 2009

Two - A - Days continue -- This woman in Indianapolis

This woman in Indianapolis
Likes to ride through the countryside braless.
To watch her on her colt
Is not much of a jolt
Because the poor girl is ta-ta-less.

There was a young girl in Atlanta

There was a young girl in Atlanta
Who’ll say anything that she’ll wanta.
It’s falkin’ this and falkin’ that;
Where the falk is my hat.
For sure, she’s getting nothing from Santa.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Two - A - Days continue -- A jai-alai star in Minnesota

A jai-alai star in Minnesota
Had moved up North from Sarasota.
“I relish the cold
Like a Viking of old
But I wish I had brought my pelota.”

There was a young man from Miami

There was a young man from Miami
Who fashioned a boat from a chami.
It sank right away
But our boy was okay.
In the dolphin tank at the Aquariuami.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Two - A - Days continue -- There is a young girl in New England

There is a young girl in New England
Picks up guys in the bars with her girlfriend.
But no man gets a claim
With a foreign last name.
‘Cause they are patriots to the end.

This fellow who lives in New York

This fellow who lives in New York
Is thought to be a giant dork.
He hands out headsets
On passenger jets.
And claims that it’s challenging work.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Two - A - Days continue -- This pretty young wife down in Dallas

This pretty young wife down in Dallas
Feels trapped in her man’s “Cowboy palace”.
For, she misses her home,
And her kin up in Nome
And the beautiful aurora borealis.

A forgetful young man in Chicago

A forgetful young man in Chicago
Was on the stage playing Iago,
But he was not aware
That waist down he was bare
Which the audience saw as bravado.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Two - A- Days continue -- A tanning salon clerk in Washington

A tanning salon clerk in Washington
Said, “I tan with just a g-string on.
So, where my red skin ends
Is where your fun begins.
Yeah, you could think of me as a sure thing, Son.”

A working girl in Tampa Bay

A working girl in Tampa Bay
Charges $100 per lay
If that price makes you balk
And you just want to talk,
Just one buck an ear’s what you pay.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Two - A - Days cpntinue -- A young college do-ed in Denver

A young college co-ed in Denver
Went out on a weekend-long bender.
She woke naked and drunk
On a mechanical bronc.
Oh!
She did not know how long she’d been there.

A libidinous woman from Houston

A libidinous woman from Houston
Said, “I’m gonna tell you the truth, son.
You can’t beat the sexin’
You get from a Texan,
Even though they all leave them ol’ boots on.”

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Two - A - Days continue -- My old friend Bill loves Buffalo

My old friend Bill loves Buffalo
Where it often gets 20 below.
He keeps his hands warm enough
In his wife’s fur-lined muff.
Though, her ___ does get cold, don’t you know

This girl I know down in New Orleans

This girl I know down in New Orleans
Looks pretty damn good in those jeans.
She says, “S’ain’t no doubt,
“I look better without
‘Em.” I think you know what she means.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Two - A - Days continue -- There is this woman who lives in Green Bay

There is this woman who lives in Green Bay
Who likes to make love in a keen way.
She likes to pack ‘er
Air mattress with crackers
‘Cause the crunching makes a much more obscene lay.

This woman living in San Francisco

This woman living in San Francisco
Like to keep track of the men that she . . . you know.
Number 14 was great
As was 78
But 49 . . . er . . . he was so-so.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Two - A - Days Continue -- A well-meaning fellow in Oakland

A well-meaning fellow in Oakland
Met a girl who said, “I am broke, friend.”
She asked him to raid a
7-11 ’frigerata,
And let him get arrested, heartbroken.

My brother down there in Jacksonville

My brother down there in Jacksonville
Likes to drive his girlfriend up this one hill
In his bright red Jaguar
Though it’s not a boudoir
She will still go down all the way up hill.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Two - A - Days continue -- An elderly fellow in Cleveland

An elderly fellow in Cleveland
Wore a button-down shirt with some sleeve bands.
When he tied his brown tie
He thought he would die.
His hands throbbed like you would not believe, man

A transvestite living in Cincinnati

A transvestite living in Cincinnati
Said, “I really not trying to be catty,
“I’ve been guy and been gal,
I guess I’ve seen it all,
And the guy-part is always so ratty.”

Friday, August 28, 2009

Two - A - Days continue -- An East Coaster who moved to Seattle

An East Coaster who moved to Seattle
Said, “My diet is a constant battle.
“Every day I see hawkers
Of hot dogs and tac-ers
I’m afraid that I’ll soon start to waddle.”

The crazy little women of Kansas City

The crazy little women of Kansas City
Are chief among gals who are pretty.
I’m gonna go there
And get me one quite fair.
If I don’t, it’ll be such a pity.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Two - A - Days continue -- Sweet Lulu LaRue of St. Louis

Sweet Lulu LaRue of St. Louis
Was in love with old Doolittle Dewey.
Like a ram with a ewe,
Was old Doo with young Lu.
So, do Doo Dewey do LuLu? Well, do he?

I know a young girl in Detroit

I know a young girl in Detroit
Who is much too world wise to exploit.
If you think after dinner
You’ll be lyinthere in her;
At dodging your pass, she’s adroit.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Two-A-Days begin tomorrow!

From the Sports desk -

Last year, we published a series of limericks for all 32 teams in the National Football League over on our sister publication, The International Center for Limerick Studies (http://www.pglimerickcenter.blogspot.com/). Since no one saw them except my immediate family, we will repost two limericks daily, leading up the the opening game of the 2009/2010 season on September 10. Not a football fan? See you on the 11th.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

When asked about football, I retort,

When asked about football, I retort,
“I don’t follow professional sports.”
And when you look at
My Detroit Lions hat
I point out they’re an amateur sort.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Need a gift for your pet really quick?

Need a gift for your pet really quick?
The National Football League has just the trick.
What could be better
Than a dark green dog sweater /
(Slash) teplica jersey emblazoned “Vick”?

http://www.nflshop.com/ -- search "pet jersey"

Sunday, August 16, 2009

I met today with my “Death Panel”

I met today with my “Death Panel”
‘Bout my allergic reaction to flannel.
If I get much worse
They instructed a nurse
To harvest my brain for Fox News Channel.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Michael Vick has signed up with the Eagles

From the sports desk

Michael Vick has signed up with the Eagles
Having dealt with his punishment legal.
But PETA also will be there
To holler and swear;
While not helping homeless Philadelphic beagles.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

You’ve seen at the big health care forums

You’ve seen at the big health care forums
A noticible lack of decorum.
It’s like what went down
On the schoolyard playground,
Where the loudest bullies did all the scorin’

Saturday, August 8, 2009

The ecomony, said the President

The ecomony, said the President
Is beginning to show an ascent,
Thanks to an industry –
Economists on TV.
Their ranks are up 15 per cent.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

For years, that glamour doll, Barbie,

For years, that glamour doll, Barbie,
Has been dressed for a trip to the Derby.
But the ecomony’s bad,
She’d be better off clad
For working the drive-thru at Arby.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Congressfolk, please do not dawdle

Congressfolk, please do not dawdle
Put dough in the Marital Stimulus pot. It’ll
Give rebates, or course
To finance a divorce
To trade up to a much newer model.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

In Detroit, Tiger golfed with Bob Seger

In Detroit, Tiger golfed with Bob Seger
A gal in the crowd was quite eager
To see them both dance
In their underpants –
That’s Tom Cruise, you drunk Junior Leager!

Monday, July 27, 2009

If I see one more report on Brett Favre

From the sports page

If I see one more report on Brett Favre
My eyes from my head I will cavre.
If he returns to play
I will spend my Sunday
In dry riverbeds cataloging vavre*.

*varve - noun - (in lake sediments) an annual deposit usually consisting of two layers, one of fine materials and the other of coarse. (dictionary.com)

Sunday, July 26, 2009

The most trusted newsman in America

The most trusted newsman in America
Is Jon Stewart (pause for hysteria).
The pols don’t want to go
On Jon’s “Daily Show”
To be skewered by his illuminaria.

Jon Stewart is the most trusted newscaster in America, says a time.com click poll of about 9,400 site users taken this week after the death of Walter Cronkite, the longtime CNS news anchor known as "the most trusted man in America."
Steve Johnson – Chicago Tribune – 7/24/2009

Monday, July 20, 2009

It’s 40 years since men walked on the moon,

It’s 40 years since men walked on the moon,
Which I watched, amazed, in my living room.
But wouldn’t you know it,
NASA had no poet;
Or they would have landed in June.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

There once was a newsman named Walter

There once was a newsman named Walter
Whose integrity never did falter.
Like that trademark of his
"That's the was it is'"
He was journalism's Gibraltar.

Rest in peace, Walter Cronkite.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

They just closed the big cookie stall

They just closed the big cookie stall
At the food court in our local mall.
It will be a sad day
If we lose Chick-Fil-A.
That will portend the end of us all.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

The police force up in Clare, Mich.

The police force up in Clare, Mich.
Fulfilled a most unusual wish.
Nine of the local cops
Took over a doughnut shop.
That’s like hiring cats to sell fish.

CLARE, Mich. – July 6, 2009 – Associated Press – The Clare Police Department’s nine full-time employees recently purchased a local bakery . . . newly renamed, “Cops and Doughnuts.”

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Now that Jon and Kate’s marriage is through

Now that Jon and Kate’s marriage is through
There are many things that they must do;
Like divide up the kids
And the TLC quids,
And the members of the video crew.

Monday, June 29, 2009

There once was a fellow named Mays

There once was a fellow named Mays
A salesman deserving of praise
Now, Heaven looks keen;
Billy brought OxiClean.
No more stains on the angels’ pjs!

Rest in peace, Billy Mays.

Friday, June 26, 2009

The world won’t forget Farrah Fawcett

The world won’t forget Farrah Fawcett
And her hair and how sexy she’d toss it.
Now, an angel’s gone home
But we’re not left alone;
Her poster’s still on the door to our closet.

Rest in peace, Farrah.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

There once was a man named McMahon;

There once was a man named McMahon;
The best damn sidekick in the land.
He sure was no slouch
At remarks from the couch.
Now, Johnny has his partner again.

Rest in peace, Ed McMahon

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Obama is feuding with Fox News

Obama is feuding with Fox News
Objecting to the venom it spews;
Preferring, you see,
The love of NBC
And Brian Williams with whom to schmooze.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Today, my TVs all went a-flurter

Today, my TVs all went a-flurter
Without any alarmer or alerter.
Why didn’t they tell me
‘Stead of trying to sell me
A useless digital converter.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Hats off to Stephen Colbert

From the Arts and Entertainment page . . .

Hats off to Stephen Colbert
Who went to Iraq on a dare.
He jumped through some hoops
To visit our troops.
And will return with somewhat less hair.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

In order to rescue sweet Motown,

From the Financial pages . . .

In order to rescue sweet Motown,
Where Chrysler Corp once wore the car crown
Fiat wants a deal
That’s really a steal
A 3-year lease with no money down.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Randy Johnson is the consummate pitcher,

From the sports department -

Randy Johnson is the consummate pitcher,
His stare turns a slugger into a twitcher.
His 300 wins
Only just begins
To explain how he is no belly-itcher.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

I don’t like that TV show, House

I don’t like that TV show, House
With that cantankerous, miserable grouse.
When I watch TV
I don’t want to see
A remarkable clone of my spouse.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

The latest firm to go broke is GM

The latest firm to go broke is GM
Which once was the crème de la crème.
Now the folks from OnStar
Call people up in the car
To try and sell “Sham-Wows” to them.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

The Prez went to New York with the Missus

The Prez went to New York with the Missus
For a big Broadway show and some (wink) kisses.
His girls, don’t you know,
Had to watch their dog, Bo,
And to keep Biden from acting suspissus.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

When we recall the summer of '69

When we recall the summer of ‘69
With Woodstock, drugs and peace signs,
It tends to explain
Why time and again
We meet 40 year old men named Sunshine.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

If getting two clocks fixed is your wish

If getting two clocks fixed is your wish
Just head up to Bay City, Mich.
See the great “Clock Shop War’”
As you find door-to-door
Two repair shops being contentish.

BAY CITY, MICHIGAN – May 25, 2009 – The Watch Doctor and the Clock Doctor operate side by side in Bay City, Mich. Owners Jerry Kasper and Lane Westrick spent a decade together fixing watches and clocks, but when Mr. Kasper struck out on his own, he decided to move in right next door. – Associated Press

Monday, May 25, 2009

The President must now do his duty

The President must now do his duty
And nominate a Justice that the moody
Old Congress can OK
Without much delay.
Hey, have you considered Judge Judy?

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Global warming is surely a bummer

Global warming is surely a bummer
But I intend to work on it this summer.
Since the methane in these parts
Comes chiefly from cow farts,
I’ll run over some cattle in my Hummer.

Friday, May 22, 2009

The news reports from Australia say

The news reports from Australia say
The Tasmanian Devil may soon die away.
We must work to refurbish
Our world with this dervish,
As well as the skunk that can parle francais.

CANBERRA, Australia – (Associated Press) - The Tasmania Devil, a snarling fox-sized marsupial, was listed in Australia as an endangered species Friday because of a contagious cancer that has wiped out most of the wild population.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

I used to spend like a big wheeler

I used to spend like a big-wheeler
Now my finances need a faith-healer.
But it could be much worse
In a move most perverse,
Chrysler has repo’ed some of its dealers.

Monday, May 18, 2009

The best scientific advancement

The best scientific advancement
Is that pill that promotes male enhancement
To think a placebo
Could jump start libido
Without providing a much larger lancement.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

A Christian boy found he could not attend

A Christian boy found he could not attend
The senior prom at the school of his girl-friend
Because of the chance
That the couple might dance
And who knows what that might protend.

FINDLAY, Ohio — An Ohio teenager says he expects to be suspended from a Christian school for attending a public school prom with his girlfriend. -- Associated Press

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

The DC press dinner featured Obama

The DC press dinner featured Obama
Making jokes, instead of political drama.
His routine drew smiles
From both side of the aisle,
When he hit Limbaugh with a “Yo Momma”.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Dick Cheney held a sign on a street corner

Dick Cheney held a sign on a street corner
Labeling him as a “Licensed Political Scorner”.
On the reverse you could see,
“Will revise history for free.”
He’s a well-dressed apocalyptical warner.

Monday, April 27, 2009

I don't really watch that much TV

I don’t really watch that much TV
Except for that CNBC
Yeah, my stocks are still down
And that gives me a frown
But, Maria Bartiromo still gives me great glee.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

When asked about football, I retort

When asked about football, I retort,
“I don’t follow professional sports.”
And when you look at
My Detroit Lions hat
I point out they’re an amateur sort.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Closed for the holidays

Watching the NFL Draft. On TV. On the computer. On the radio. Luckily, I can't afford an iPhone.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Yankee Stadium is the ball players' dream

Yankee Stadium is the ballplayers’ dream;
The home of the cream of the cream.
And home of those home runs
Flying out like V-1s.
Its too bad they were hit by the visiting team.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I like Mike and Mike in the Morning

I like Mike and Mike in the Morning.
You should listen, but follow this warning.
Golic only is smart
About the athletic art,
And Greeny’s manliness deserves a scorning.

Since I am the only sports fan here at the Center, I rarely get to discuss last night's game with anyone. Therefore, I enjoy ESPN Radio for my sports fix, and Mike and Mike is the best way the start the morning.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Here's to the modern coffee shop

Here’s to the modern coffee shop
Where both slackers and hard-chargers stop
These disparate groups mix
For their caffeine fix
At 3 to 4 dollars a pop.

Friday, April 17, 2009

That "ShamWow" guy Vince had to pay

That “ShamWow” guy Vince had to pay
For a fight with a hooker, they say
He wanted sex twice
For only one price.
She said, “We can’t do this all day.”

Thursday, April 16, 2009

The national mystery is at last over

The national mystery is at last over.
The Obamas have selected their “Rover”.
If he house-breaks their pet
There might be hope yet
That the Prez can get Congress to roll over.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

The Postal Service is honoring Homer

The Postal Service is honoring Homer;
Not the Greek, the Fox network gomer.
The Simpsons on stamps
Might give some people cramps;
Maybe next year for the Illiad’s poemer.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

And then of course, there's Bridgette

And then of course, there’s Bridgette
Who certainly is not at all frigid.
Her considerable skill
(And that little blue pill)
Insures that the old troll stays rigid.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Whenever I spend time with Kendra

Whenever I spend time with Kendra
My mind just wants to surrendra.
She’s brought being non-smart
To the level of art,
And I don’t think that she’s a pretendra.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

There once was a bimbo named Holly

There once was a bimbo named Holly
Who was always so irritatingly jolly.
But her smile is as real
As her boobs, so I feel,
She’s just like an inflatable dolly.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Hugh Hefner has revived the Bunny

Hugh Hefner has revived the Bunny,
But there’s something I think is quite funny,
The math at my school
Could not provide a rule
That allows 82 to so many times go into 20.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

I hate that "Shamwow" fellow Vince

I hate that “Shamwow” fellow Vince
The most irritating pitchman since
That troll Billy Mays
And I’ll scream out “No way”,
If he gets a “Girls Gone Wild” lap dance.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I'm in love with the Pregressive girl, Flo

I’m in love with the Progressive girl, Flo.
I think of her everywhere I go.
If I could just find her store
I’d throw myself on the floor,
And not leave ‘til she gave me a tango.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Here's to the immortal Babe Ruth

Here’s to the immortal Babe Ruth
Baseball’s greatest player, in truth.
No ‘roids or hormones
Those runs were his own
Aided only by 86 proof.

Baseball is back. Can Summer be far behind?

Monday, April 6, 2009

To make our economy strong

To make our ecomomy strong
We must move veteran leaders along,
With their moral lackage
They think the stimulus package
Is a congressional page in a thong.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

There once were twin girls named Olsen

There once were twin girls named Olsen
Who were precious, winsome and wholesome.
They turned by some trick
Into fright wigs on sticks
Surviving on cocaine and Molson.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

I was sitting in my ice fishing shack

I was sitting in my ice fishing shack
When I was startled by a frightening “Crack!”
Thank God the Coast Guard
Rescued my fat lard
‘Cause the sheriff wanted to throw us all back.

A few months ago, over 100 ice fishermen and women had to rescued from Lake Erie by the Coast Guard, the Ottawa County Sheriff's Department and Fire Department. The sheriff was seen on local and national news ranting about the cost of rescuing these people who were deliverately risking their lives by going out on the ice under unstable conditions. You go, sheriff.

Friday, April 3, 2009

I propose we boycott AIG

I propose we boycott AIG
To protest its bailout funds spree.
I found that I had to squint
To find in the fine print,
"Dishonesty is AIG's policy."

Thursday, April 2, 2009

The President flexed his political muscle

The President flexed his political muscle
And GM caved in without a tussle.
He said, “Fire this guy.”
GM said, “Aye, Aye.”
And hired his brother-in-law, Russell.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Here's to the great Michael Phelps

Here’s to the great Michael Phelps
Whose achievement caused much cheers and yelps
It takes lots of mettle
To win eight gold medals
And that .01 second sure helps.

The preceeding was posted on our companion blog last summer when young Mr. Phelps had the world by the tail. Then . . . Oh, how the mighty has fallen.

Here’s to the great Michael Phelps
Whose bong photo caused much jeers and yelps
The role model’s creed
Says, “The smoking of weed
Near a picture phone almost never helps.

Monday, March 30, 2009

I don't like that Stephen Colbert

I don’t like that Stephen Colbert.
The most obnoxious guy anywhere.
He’s as dumb as a box
Of Republican rocks.
He’s a vacuum with magnificent hair.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

So Letterman finally got married

So Letterman finally got married
To make a standard family for young Harry.
The house band was there
With a matrimonial aire
But Alan as a bridesmaid? How scary.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Will the GOP brass get along

Will the GOP brass get along
With Rush Limbaugh’s conservative throng?
Or will they try moderation
Of this radio star’s nation
If they think he’s so right and so wrong?

Saturday, March 21, 2009

The recession's hit hard our downtown

The recession’s hit hard our downtown.
I don’t see many people around.
I makes me quite sad
To see that things are so bad
Even the tumbleweed vendor’s shut down.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Once more we "celebrate" Lent

Once more we “celebrate” Lent
The time to sacrifice and repent
But I don’t really feel
That a Red Lobster meal
I going to make me Heaven sent.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Yay! The President has filled out his bracket

Yay! The President has filled out his bracket.
He focused on the problem and attacked it.
Now if terrorism and banking
Just had a power ranking
He'd have aced this leadership racket.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

On the morn after St. Patrick's day

On the morn after St. Patrick’s day
I just wish the pounding would go away.
And to make matters worse,
I’ve woke up with a nurse,
Who hopes to get pounded again today.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

In Ireland, there's no St. Patrick parade

In Ireland, there's no St. Patrick parade,
I saw folks in church where they prayed.
Not like over here
Where we just pour green beer
Down the hatch of young girls to get laid.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Heed the tale of Sam Wurzelbacher

Heed the tale of Sam Wurzelbacher,
Victim of a privacy ransaker.
Renamed “Joe the Plumber”,
This political newcomer
Was slammed as a McCain / Palin backer.

Somehow, I don't think we've seen the last of "Sam the Plumber".

Friday, March 13, 2009

So today is Friday the Thirteenth

So today is Friday the Thirteenth;
And all of you know what that meanth.
On a day of such doom
I’ll just stay in my room
With Sports Illustrated swimsuit magazineth.

Ya know? Didn't we just do this a couple of weeks ago?

Thursday, March 12, 2009

There's been this war on my TV

There’s been this war on my TV
Between The Daily Show and CNBC.
Seems when Cramer says his sooth
It is far from the truth,
And Stewart’s renamed his show “Bad Money”.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

There once was a man named Obama

There once was a man named Obama –
A political phenomenama.
His cry; “Yes We Can”
Rang out ‘cross the land
Brightening our national panorama.

We first posted this limerick on Inaugural Day. It's hard to believe how full of hope we were, and how jaded we've become.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

There once was a year called '08

There once was a year called ’08.
For the most part, it wasn’t so great.
My 401-K
Won’t see light of day
Until my childrens’ retirement date.