I asked my Dad, “Why do they say

I asked my Dad, “Why do they say
That 12/26 is Boxing Day?”
He took me to the mall
To experience the brawl
Of the return / exchange counter fray.

Merry _______ Christmas!

The Center is closed today, so please enjoy a offering from the past. Be back tomorrow for Boxing Day.

There once was a reindeer named Dasher
Who consulted a New York haberdasher.
He said, ‘Make me fashionable,
Not normal or rational.
‘Cause I see myself much more panacher.”

There once was a reindeer named Dancer
Who vacationed near the Tropic of Cancer.
She lounged be the pool
Looking sexy and cool
Searching for a buck to romance her.

There once was a reindeer named Prancer
Who wanted to be a break-dander.
The antlers made it rough
So he had them cut off,
Hoping a bald head would be the answer.

There once was a reindeer named Vixen
Whose beauty was very transfixin’
She turned up her nose
At all of her beaux
Whom she led on just to eighty-six ‘em.

There once was a reindeer named Comet
Who asked, “Where’s the island of Guam at?
My stomach’s upset
So I need to get
A balm made of Guam palm to calm it.”

There once was a reindeer named Cupid
Who did something incredibly stupid,
She drank too much grog,
Mulled wine and egg nog,
And got a DUI near Guadelupe

There once was a reindeer named Donder
Who in a past life was a condor.
That might explain why
He soars through the sky,
But the laying of eggs is a wonder.

There once was a reindeer named Blitzen
Who loves New Orleans where she sits in
With a Dixieland band
Playing piano four-hand
While tour groups watch her, kibitzin’

There once was a reindeer named Rudolph
Who is an expert at black-and-blue golf.
In spite of its name
This reindeer game
Is really not quite all that rough.

Jenny sat on the seashore and moped.

Jenny sat on the seashore and moped.
Her vacation had not gone as hoped.
The weather was great;
The hotel was first-rate.
But at the airport she had not been groped.

Obama’s plan for continued tax cuts

Obama’s plan for continued tax cuts
Was a kick in the Democrats’ guts.
“So what it makes sense!
It’s the wrong side of the fencc!
We’re kissing the GOP’s butts.”

The party’s over for old Dandy Don,

The party’s over for old Dandy Don,
So, one more time, let’s sing his song.
This Cowboy QB
Made Monday TV
America’s destination.

R. I. P. Don Meredith – Dallas Cowboy quarterback, Monday Night Football analyst, actor, singer, good ole country boy.

NFL Week XIII - This pretty young wife down in Dallas

This pretty young wife down in Dallas
Feels trapped in her man’s “Cowboy palace”.
For, she misses her home,
And her kin up in Nome
And the beautiful aurora borealis.

NFL Week XII - An East Coaster who moved to Seattle

An East Coaster who moved to Seattle
Said, “My diet is a constant battle.
“Every day I see hawkers
Of hot dogs and tac-ers
I’m afraid that I’ll soon start to waddle.”

NFL Week XII - I know a young girl in Detroit

I know a young girl in Detroit
Who is much too world wise to exploit.
If you think after dinner
You’ll be lyin’ there in her;
At dodging your pass, she’s adroit.

The Tea Party’s fortunes are sailin’

The Tea Party’s fortunes are sailin’
And it has all those liberals wailin’/
In the national vote
The gave Brandie the goat,
Saying, “Keep on dancin’, Bristol Palin.”

NFL Week X - An elderly fellow in Cleveland

An elderly fellow in Cleveland
Wore a button-down shirt with some sleeve bands.
When he tied his brown tie
He thought he would die.
His hands throbbed like you would not believe, man

Go Lions. Beat the Cowboys!

Yay! We’ve thrown all of the rascals out!

Yay! We’ve thrown all of the rascals out!
The people have spoken, with no a doubt.
But, keep on eye on D.C.
‘Cause between you and me,
There’s a new crop of rascals about.

NFL Week IX - A fellow who grew up in Pittsburgh

A fellow who grew up in Pittsburgh
Now lives with the Grand Duchess of Hapsburg.
He said, “It’s an art.
To steal ‘er cold heart.
It’s like making love to an iceburg.

NFL Week IX - A working girl in Tampa Bay

A working girl in Tampa Bay
Charges $100 per lay
If that price makes you balk
And you just want to talk,
Just one buck an ear’s what you pay.

It’s a victory for the old G.O.P.,

It’s a victory for the old G.O.P.,
Fueled by the power of Tea.
If it wasn’t for Palin,
They might have been trailin’
Oh, Sarah, they’re indebted to thee.

So, it’s finally Election Day

So, it’s finally Election Day
Let’s stand up and shout out, “Hooray!”
So, put on your coat,
Get out there and vote,
And make those phone calls go away.

NFL Week VIII - A libidinous woman from Houston

A libidinous woman from Houston
Said, “I’m gonna tell you the truth, son.
You can’t beat the sexin’
You get from a Texan,
Even though they all leave them ol’ boots on.”

NFL Week VIII - A transvestite living in Cincinnati

A transvestite living in Cincinnati
Said, “I really not trying to be catty,
“I’ve been guy and been gal,
I guess I’ve seen it all,
And the guy-part is always so ratty.”

The Tea Party is making a charge,

The Tea Party is making a charge,
The movement is going to be large.
The seats that they’re winning.
Are just the beginning,
Led by their Madame Sarah Defarge.*

*see comments

NFL Week VII - There was a young girl in Atlanta

There was a young girl in Atlanta
Who’ll say anything that she’ll wanta.
It’s falkin’ this and falkin’ that;
Where the falk is my hat?
For sure, she’s getting nothing from Santa.

NFL Week VI - This bachelor down in Tennessee

This bachelor down in Tennessee
Plies his women with Lynchburg whisky.
He says, “Two shots gets them tight, and “
Two more and they might’en
“Get a little more looser and frisky.”

NFL Week VI - There is this woman who lives in Green Bay

There is this woman who lives in Green Bay
Who likes to make love in a keen way.
She likes to pack ‘er
Air mattress with crackers
‘Cause the crunching makes a much more obscene lay.

Go Lions! Beat New York!

Blog Action Day 2010 - Water -- Could you tell your son or your daughter,

Could you tell your son or your daughter,
“Remember, Kids, don’t drink the water”?
But that order stands
Across many lands.
Do something about it? We aughter.

Today is Blog Action Day 2010 – Water. Thousands of bloggers from around the globe are taking to the internet today to address the many threats to our world-wide water supply. Please visit my other blog, Trees and Trash ( www.treestrash.blogspot.com ) and the main site for Blog Action Day 2010 ( www.blogactionday.org ). Do something today to save some water.

I didn’t watch Rick’s List today.

I didn’t watch Rick’s List today.
I guess CNN sent him away.
His stupid remark
Will probably park
Him on the list of dumb things to say.

NFL Week V - A jai-alai star in Minnesota

A jai-alai star in Minnesota

Had moved up North from Sarasota.

“I relish the cold

Like a Viking of old

But I wish I had brought my pelota.”

NFL Week V - My brother down there in Jacksonville

My brother down there in Jacksonville
Likes to drive his girlfriend up this one hill
In his bright red Jaguar
Though it’s not a boudoir
She will still go down all the way up hill.

Go Lions! Beat St. Louis!

Fox News and the old GOP

Fox News and the old GOP
Plan a first for political TV.
It’s analysts loyal
In a live Battle Royal
Pay-per-View like th WWE.

There was a young girl from New Jersey

There was a young girl from New Jersey
Who threw herself on the court’s mercy.
The judge said, “Now, Snooki
“Don’t be such a rookie.
To say you’re not a drunk is just hearsay.”

O’Donnell’s race soars without hitches

O’Donnell’s race soars without hitches
Despite news of her high-school age itches.
Is her campaign propelled
With brimstone from hell
And the Association of Former Teen Witches?

NFL Week IV - There is a young girl in New England

There is a young girl in New England
Picks up guys in the bars with her girlfriend.
But no man gets a claim
With a foreign last name.
‘Cause they are patriots to the end.

NFL Week IV - A transvestite living in Cincinnati

A transvestite living in Cincinnati
Said, “I really not trying to be catty,
“I’ve been guy and been gal,
I guess I’ve seen it all,
And the guy-part is always so ratty.”

Go Lions! Beat Green Bay!

NFL Week III - A forgetful young man in Chicago

A forgetful young man in Chicago
Was on the stage playing Iago,
But he was not aware
That waist-down he was bare
Which the audience saw as bravado.

Go Football!

NFL Week III - This woman in Indianapolis

This woman in Indianapolis
Likes to ride through the countryside braless.
To watch her on her colt
Is not much of a jolt
Because the poor girl is ta-ta-less.

Go Detroit. Beat the Vikings.

NFL Week II - This woman living in San Francisco

This woman living in San Francisco
Like to keep track of the men that she . . . you know.
Number 14 was great
As was 78
But 49 . . . er . . . he was so-so.

NFL Week II - A guy I know in Arizona

A guy I know in Arizona
Will never have sex with a moana.
You can scream, you can shout,
You can throw things about,
But don’t break the cardinal rule. No bologna!

Go Lions! Beat the Eagles!

How did Palin win in Delaware

How did Palin win in Delaware
When we know that she doesn’t live there?
Is it a clone?
A Tea Party drone?
Or Tina Fey on some drunken dare?

There once was a fellow named Garrison

There once was a fellow named Garrison
Whose Mother called him her hairy son.
With a face to be heard,
His passion for the word
Made NPR’s best show “that Prairie one”.

NFL Week I - This fellow who lives in New York

This fellow who lives in New York
Is thought to be a giant dork.
He hands out headsets
On passenger jets.
And claims that it’s challenging work.

NFL Week I - There was a young man from Miami

There was a young man from Miami
Who fashioned a boat from a chami.
It sank right away
But our boy was okay.
In the dolphin tank at the Aquariuami.

Go Lions! Beat the Bears!

NFL Week I - This girl I know down in New Orleans

This girl I know down in New Orleans
Looks pretty damn good in those jeans.
She says, “S’ain’t no doubt,
“I look better without
‘Em.” I think you know what she means.

Football is back.

Rex Ryan, a coach most profound,

Rex Ryan, a coach most profound,
Apparently cannot make a soung
Without saying “____!”
Using it with pluck
As an adjective, adverb and noun.

There was a woman named Lois Mae

There was a woman named Lois Mae
Who sadly is not with us today.
Wife, nurse and mother
Above any other,
To Heaven, she’ll show us the way,

Rest in Peace, Lois MacArthur, beloved Mother.

There once was a fellow named Chuck

There once was a fellow named Chuck
Who was having a bad run of luck.
Losing his job and his girl
Had his balls in a whirl
And all he could say about it was, “Bleep” because he worked at the FCC.

Let’s hear it for Rob Blogojevich

Let’s hear it for Rob Blogojevich
He’s one lucky son of a bitch.
After all of the fervor,
That one hold-out juror,
Drove the government’s case in a ditch.

So, Bristol and Levi will wed.

So, Bristol and Levi will wed.
Well, ain’t that a kick in the head.
Sarah’s so unnerved,
She’s making up words.
Like, “painfulnessly detesticlèd.”

They say that the boy scout, Al Gore,

They say that the boy scout, Al Gore,
Is really more like a male whore.
His Inconvenient Truth
Is sleeping with Ruth,
And Margery and Agnes and more.

They claim that the Tea Party is racist –

They claim that the Tea Party is racist –
A spurious claim with no basis,
The signs and the banners
Are simply bad manners,
There’s no hatred. Well, maybe just traces.

The owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers

The owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers
For LeBron James had nothing but jeers
In his overnight letter
(Though he should have know better)
That was liberally stained with his tears.

In the world of competitive eating,

In the world of competitive eating,
Kobiyashi has taken a beating.
He’d been out-dogged by Joe
For 3 years in a row,
So this year he stayed in the seating . . .

. . . where, because of a dispute with Major League Eating over appearance fees, he watched Joey Chestnut win his fourth Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Championship, until he couldn’t take it any more and rushed the stage, where he was arrested for trespassing and for desecrating the sanctity of the annual event.

At the Mets game, Lady Gaga, they say

At the Mets game, Lady Gaga, they say
Showed off her mammary array.
She flashed her high beams
At the opposing teams
To make them hit into a double play.

It’s been a year since we lost Michael Jackson

It’s been a year since we lost Michael Jackson
Who still has a rabid fan faction.
He was a hit-maker
But I’m a head-shaker,
I just don’t understand the attraction.

Talk about your wild record breaker!

Talk about your wild record breaker!
At Wimbledon, it's a “take-the-caker”,
An 11-hour match
Before one could dispatch.
Why, they scored more points that the Lakers!

Hooray! The U. S. is advancing!

Hooray! The U. S. is advancing!
It’s time for the singing and dancing.
Even I can beat Ghana
With my aunts and my nana
After giving the French team a pantsing.

U. S. females are licking their lips

U. S. females are licking their lips
For the next Twilight movie – Eclipse.
Those hunky vampires
Will be igniting fires
In their eyes, in their hearts, in their hips.

The Prez says he’ll make BP pay

The Prez says he’ll make BP pay
To which I must reply, “Hooray”.
‘Cause when I’m buying fuel
And I spill, I’m the fool
Who picks up the tab right away.

I admit it. I’ve got World Cup fever.

I admit it. I’ve got World Cup fever.
South Africa, I am a believer.
Ignore all the needles
For the giant dung beetles.
They beat Vancouver’s inflatable beaver.

Let’s hear it for good old BP

Let’s hear it for good old BP
Who’s giving its oil away free.
Get your son and your daughter
And scoop it out of the water
And pour it straight into your Humvee.

Rest in peace, dear Gary Coleman

Rest in peace, dear Gary Coleman
TV Nation’s number one soulman.
We loved him as Arnold,
And when running against Arnold.
For him, Heaven’s Gate has no toll, man.

Senate candidate Linda McHahon,

Senate candidate Linda McHahon,
Of the WWE wrestling clan,
With a flying drop kick
Won the GOP pick.
Guess the Bay Staters are all rasslin’ fans.

Fox News and MSNBC earn

Fox News and MSNBC earn
Reputations that cause some concern.
They must think (I guess),
That “Freedom of the press”
Means “Hit someone with a steam iron”.

I cannot turn my TV or radio on

I cannot turn my TV or radio on
Without hearing about the Cav’s LeBron,
With endless speculation
Of his next destination.
Wake me up when he signs somewhere. Yawn.

There once was a woman named Crystal

There once was a Idol named Crystal
Who’s as hot as the proverbial pistol.
Miss Bowersox
Most definitely rocks
Which makes her hair go all a twistal.

Vote for Crystal Bowersox!

Farewell to Senator Arlen Specter

Farewell to Senator Arlen Specter
The recent Republican defector
The voters of Pennsylvania
In a anti-gov mania
Rejected this avid Keystone protector.

They say the economy is improving,

They say the economy is improving,
But I don’t see my job prospects improving.
I’m still shilling fries
And warm apple pies
While I’d much rather be painting or rooving.

They’re all down on the Mariners’ Ken Griffey

They’re all down on the Mariners’ Ken Griffey
Who failed to report in a jiffy
From the clubhouse, where
He slept in a chair,
To the dugout, which caused such a tiffy.

I’ll admit that I’m in TV fan heaven

I’ll admit that I’m in TV fan heaven
The return of Conan has got me revvin’
But I think it’s bad sport
To try to deport
George Lopez just to be on at eleven

At the recent Emmy ceremony

At the recent Emmy ceremony
They have one to Michael and Tony
They’re fun and informative
Tho not really normative.
But you don’t get awards for bologna.

Congratulations to Tony Kornheiser and MIchael Wilbon, hosts of ESPNs "Pardon the Interruption" and Emmy award winners.

The Prez killed at the DC Press dinner.

The Prez killed at the DC Press dinner.
Against Leno, he was clearly the winner.
Obama got the laughs
Without any gaffes
While Jay only seemed to be chinner.

As we all celebrate Mothers' Day

As we all celebrate Mothers' Day
I have only one thing to say;
Mom, thanks for all you did
When I was a kid
Which has so screwed me up to this day.

There once was a fellow named Ernie

There once was a fellow named Ernie
Whose come to the end of his journey.
He’s run a fine face
And has taken his place
With the baseball and Tiger eterne.

Rest in peace, Ernie Harwell, longtime Detroit Tiger broadcaster, member of the Baseball Hall of Fame.

New Lion, Ndamukong Suh

New Lion, Ndamukong Suh
Will be making his Detroit Debut.
Other teams better fear
This “House of Spears”.*
‘Cause fear of the Lions is long overdue.

“In the second pick of the 2010 NFL Draft, the Detroit Lions select Ndamukong Suh, defensive tackle brom the University of Nebraska.” -- NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.

*English translation of “Ndamukong”

There once was a fellow named Joyce

There once was a fellow named Joyce
Who made a fine literary choice,
To craft a poem, you see,
About the wonders of a tree
Giving nature an eternal voice.

Trees by Joyce Kilmer

I think that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree.
A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against the earth's sweet flowing breast;
A tree that looks at God all day,
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;
A tree that may in summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;
Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.
Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree.

For more trees, go to http://www.treestrash.blogspot.com/

Happy Earth Day!

For knocking the ecomony off its tracks

For knocking the ecomony off its tracks
The feds are going after Goldman Sachs
They’re suing for fraud
With charges varied and broad.
Hey, let us give their heads a few whacks.

In Europe, that volcanic ash

In Europe, that volcanic ash
Could make a jet airliner crash.
So they’ve cancelled all flights
Making us spend out nights
Sid my side with these damned Euro-trash.

My young daughter was so excited

My young daughter was so excited
Hosting a tea party made her delighted.
‘Til she answered the phone
And said with a moan
That Sarah Palin wanted to be invited.

Justice John Paul Stevens stepping aside’ll

Justice John Paul Stevens stepping aside’ll
Make the DC political waters go tidal.
He will still be a judge
For the county fair fudge
And for Simon on Americal Idol.

A medical marijuana dealer, Garrity,

A medical marijuana dealer, Garrity,
Said, “I feel that my work is a charity,
I release those poor souls
From their ambitious goals
And their habitual moments of clarity.”

There once was a writer named Levitz

There once was a writer named Levitz *
A master of the multi-level plot knits.
Now he’s building at last
On DC’s buture’s past –
Will he see if a “Great Lightness” fits?

*Paul Levitz, legendary creator on DC Comics' Legion of Shper Heroes franchise.

So, Mike and Mike have written a book?

So, Mike and Mike* have written a book?
I may have to give it a look
At my corner table
Over at Barnes and Nable
My read-it-without-paying-for-it nook.

*Greenberg and Bolic, of ESPN omnimedia.

There once was a coach named Krzyzewski

There once was a coach named Krzyzewski

. . . I;m sorry, I've been up all night and I just can't come up with anything.

Jokesters from Kimmel to Fallon

Jokesters from Kimmel to Fallon
Make fun of that poor Sarah Palin.
It seems a bit sleazey
But she makes it so easy
That some jokes they just have to mail in.

Good news for the enemployed mobs!

Good news for the enemployed mobs!
162,000 new jobs.
Mickey D hired most
In their stores coast to coast
For their new Mac Snack burger ka-bobs.

Obama won’t allow drilling for oil

Obama won’t allow drilling for oil
On our bright, shiny American soil,
But out in the sea,
Is OK, you see,
Because fish aren’t on any voter roll.

I hear some GOPers popped their zippers

I hear some GOPers popped their zippers
When they dropped 2 grand on some strippers.
The Dems in comment
Said, “That’s all they spent?
They must not be very good tippers.”

The ecomony is affecting all of our lives

The economy is affecting all of our lives
The person who cuts is the one who survives.
I’m waiting to see
If that polygamy
Leader will soon be layomg off some wives.

There once was a artist named Prince

There once was a artist named Prince
Whose songs made the old people wince.
But they gave him a role
In the big Super Bowl,
And he’s been mainstream ever since.

Everybody’s doing this P90X.

Everybody’s doing this P90X.
They claim that it’s better than sex.
I don’t want to be rude,
But if you are a dude,
I do not want to eyeball your pecs.

Joe Biden is wacky and zany

Joe Biden is wacky and zany
But again he did something not very brainy.
He said a bad word
Just like the one that we heard
From that wacky and zany Dick Cheney.

Sports radio host Colin Cowherd

Sports radio host Colin Cowherd
With callers, always has the last word.
His learned opinion
Has complete dominion
Over everything everyone’s ever heard.

On Sportsnation, Michelle Beadle

On Sportsnation, Michelle Beadle
Likes to give Colin Cowherd the needle.
She’s perky and smart
And as sharp as a dart.
We just love her out here in Toleedle.

On Man V Food, Adam Richman

On Man V Food, Adam Richman
Is gluttony’s number one pitchman.
Be it burgers or wings
Whatever fate brings,
He devours it with seldom a hitch, man.

There’ll be new episodes of Futurama!

There’ll be new episodes of Futurama!
Tell your auntie, your uncle and Gramma.
Will Leela and Fry
Finally see eye to eye
On this animascificomediadrama?

Tiger Woods will compete at the Masters

Tiger Woods will compete at the Masters
Which could be a media disaster.
Augusta security
Hunting down TMZ;
I am eager to see who is faster.

The Prez has appeared on Fox News

The Prez has appeared on Fox News.
O M G! This is one od the clues
That the Mayans told us
‘Bout the world going bust.
Hang on to your hats and your shoes.

Hey, you kids! Cut out that racket!

Hey, you kids! Cut out that racket!
I’m trying to complete my bracket.
Should I stick with Duke
Or by some strange fluke;
Will Arkansas – Pine Bluff attack it?

There once was a fellow named Floyd

There once was a fellow named Floyd
Who peddled the evil steroid.
Now that baseball is clean
He’s changing his scene.
As a Ritalin salesman he’s employed.

In places where the dark coffee bruews

In places where the dark coffee bruews
Some GOPers are exchanging their views
And more progressive thought
On the problems we’ve wrought;
But I’ve not seen it covered on Fox News.

There’s a fellow in Congress named Massa

There’s a fellow in Congress named Massa
Who plays “Legislative Grab-Assa”,
He claims he was outed
Because he had doubted
The value that the health care bill hasa.

Near San Diego, a runaway Prius

Near San Diego, a runaway Prius
Hit the freeway with speeds in the ninetias.
A CHiP stopped his auto
And no thanks to Toyota
Mr. Sikes is still with us to read this.

EL CAJON, Calif. – A Toyota Prius that sped out of control on a California freeway was towed to a dealership Tuesday while federal and company inspectors converged on the car to determine whether a stuck gas pedal was to blame. James Sikes, 61, of Jacumba, told authorities that the accelerator malfunctioned Monday as he drove his Prius on Interstate 8 in San Diego County. The car reached 94 mph during the 20 minutes before a California Highway Patrol officer helped get the Prius driver to slow down and turn off the engine.

Hey, DC, I want a flight ring!

Hey, DC, I want a flight ring!
Just a small little, gold-colored thing.
I promise I won’t try
To use it to fly,
But I’ll feel like a (Chemical) King.*

Comic book fans have united! Followers of DC Comics’ 50 year old franshise, The Legion of Super Heroes, are banding together (yours truly included) to petition for a plastic replica “flight ring” to promote a new series of the teenaged super-heroes from the future. Because we have nothing better to do.

*It would take to long to explain.

Sarah Palin got caught with a cribb sheet

Sarah Palin got caught with a cribb sheet
On her hands, and her arms and her bare feet.
But let he without sin
Make the stoning begin.
As for me, on my eye test I had to cheat.

I do not watch TV’s Jersey Shore.

I do not watch TV’s Jersey Shore.
Watching people act dumb is a bore.
And for the same reason,
Whatever the season,
I don’t watch The View any more.

On health care, Obama threw down the gauntlet,

On health care, Obama threw down the gauntlet,
The Prez has mad clout and he’s flaunt’n it.
Either pass the damn bill,
Or he swears that he will
Hang out at Congress like he’s haunt’n it.

The Canadians have made me a believer

The Canadians have made me a believer
When I saw on my TV receiver
That you can fix any mistakes;
And all that it takes
Is a giant inflatable beaver.

I have become obsessed with curling.

I have become obsessed with curling.
The excitement just has my head swirling.
A fine bit of sweeping
Just gets me to weeping.
I can’t wait to get my own stone hurling.

When faced with a ‘quake or tsunami

When faced with a ‘quake or tsunami
I would just curl up and cry, “Mommy”.
Thank God the Red Cross,
The Anti-Disaster Boss,
Rushes in without getting all qualmy.

Support disaster relief at www.redcross.org

By mistake, I watched “Regis and Kelly”

By mistake, I watched “Regis and Kelly”
Which left a black hole in my belly.
I so hate complaining
But it was as entertaining
As eating bread with petroleum jelly.

The Winter Games never get old

The Winter Games never get old
I love watching athletes so bold.
All the events are alluring,
Yes, even the curling;
Because I don’t have to go out in the cold.

For those of you Toyota shopping,

For those of you Toyota shopping,
Please heed the info that I’m dropping.
I think it’s quite clear,
The ones that don’t steer,
As as bad as the ones that aren’t stopping.

The swimsuit issue features Brooklyn Decker

The swimsuit issue features Brooklyn Decker
Which unexpectedly woke up my ______/
What once was thought dead
Has raised up its head
And almost became a pants-wrecker.

I am a big fan of the TV show, Lost

I am a big fan of the TV show, Lost
But it comes at a terrible cost.
I suffer brain overload
After each episode
And I stagger around like I’m sauced.

Who would have thought that the mall

Who would have thought that the mall
Would be the site for a 300-kid brawl?.
Just because Chick-Fil-A
Is closed on Sunday,
They must not like Sbarro at all.

Toledo, Ohio -- 2/15/2010 -- Police say around seven last night, two different fights broke out in the mall food court. Nearly 300 kids were involved. Mall officials and Toledo police are still trying to figure out what started it all.

There once was a driver hamed Danica

There once was a driver hamed Danica
Who put NASCAR fans in a pamica.
Now, I must declare
It’s simply not fair
To make her drive a mini-vanica.

By the week after Valentine’s Day

By the week after Valentine’s Day
The flowers have been thrown away
The candy’s been rifled
For truffles and trifles
And she’ll not soon wear that lingerie.

So, here’s to the folks in D. C.

So, here’s to the folks in D. C.
With a snow fall up over their knees.
From what I can tell
The government ran well
With the bureaucrats home watching T V.

Today’s highlight is the NFL Super Bowl

Today’s highlight is the NFL Super Bowl
And my Lions are deep in a bottomless hole.
But my next favorite team
Is the one in New Orleans,
So, “Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez”*

*”let the good times roll.”

There once was a fellow named Craig

There once was a fellow named Craig
Who’s list was a place where folks beg
For things large and small,
Sometimes nothing at all
More than a comforting pat on the leg.

As we wave goodbye to dear Conan

As we wave goodbye to dear Conan
Let’s dispense with the weepin’ and moanin’.
His life’s not a wreck
With that fat severance check
Ahd the other network execs who are phonin’.

Just when we thought it would fade,

Just when we thought it would fade,
The national debate will cascade.
Not about our security,
Or health care insurity,
But “What if Colt McCoy had actually played?”

The NBC boys are pacing the floor

The NBC boys are pacing the floor
Trying to figure just who they like more,
O’Brien or Leno
To host the Tonight Show.
Now, just where have we seen this before?

As the decade stumbled to a close

As the decade stumbled to a close
A historylesson we must compose.
But, to properly frame it,
We first have to name it.
Was it the “Zeros”, the “Oughts” or the “Ohs”.

There was an NBA player named Arenas

There was an NBA player named Arenas
Who brought hard gunt to the arena.
Which caused David Stern
To do a slow burn,
And exile him to play on Uranus.

Can the Lions go 3 and 13?

Can the Lions go 3 and 13?
That could be so super rad keen.
To go out with a win
Is a great way to begin
To make winning seasons routine.

Go Detroit! Beat the Bears!

Looking forward to 2010?

Looking forward to 2010?
I was for a minute, but then,
I remembered that ‘09
Was supposed to be fine.
It’ll be deja vu all over again.