I’ve recently had an epiph . . .

I’ve recently had an epiph . . .

About the looming fiscal cliff:

         That ideology

         Has become urology,

While we subsist on stale bread and Jif.

There once was a fellow named Golic

There once was a fellow named Golic

Who live a life that was quite apostolic.

      Except in the fall,

      While playing football,

When he was demonic and trollic.

 

Happy birthday, Mike Golic!

There once was a man called Patraeus

There once was a man called Patraeus

Who managed the U.S.C.I.A.us

         Until the F.B.I.

         Caught him playing hai alai

And thought that he might betray us.

It’s a catastrophe most stinky,

It’s a catastrophe most stinky,

We’ve facing the end of the Twinkie.

      The Sno-Ball, the Ho-Ho,

      The Zinger, all a go-go.

I think that I will need a drinky.

Did the Dems pull it out in the clutch?

Did the Dems pull it out in the clutch?

Or is the GOP out of touch?

         And what were we shown

         On our TV and phone?

Do we all hate each other that much?

So, it’s finally Election Day

So, it’s finally Election Day

Let’s stand up and shout out, “Hooray!”

      So, put on your coat,

      Get out there and vote,

And make those phone calls go away.

There’s nothing I like to hear more

There’s nothing I like to hear more

Than the alarm at my grocery store.

         I do so adore it

         Because they ignore it,
Which allows me to steal more and more.

The political debate is absurd.

The political debate is absurd.

Listen to the latest we’ve heard.

         Mitt Romney said, yes,

         He’ll defund PBS.

Not hunt down and murder Big Bird.

Well, how about that Presidential debate!

Well, how about that Presidential debate!

I’m sure you agree, _________ did great.

      He seemed presidential

      Which, of course, is essential.

Not like that _________, the lightweight.

Air travelers on American’s fleet;

Air travelers on American’s fleet;

Take care while selecting your seat.

         You want to make sure

         It’s bolted to the floor,

Or you’ll spend the whole flight on your feet.

I feel bad for my replacement ref,

I feel bad for my replacement ref,

Despite abetting that Seattle thef’.

         He’s out on the street,

         Throwing flags at the feet.

Of jaywalkers and litterers.  What’s lef’?

Too afraid to answer the phone?

Too afraid to answer the phone?

Need a propaganda free zone?

      Call a candidate, then,

      Call again and again,

And tell them to leave you alone.

9/11 demonstrated

9/11 demonstrated

Americans were underrated.

      But bravery of those

      Who chose to oppose

Fear and terror cannot be debated. 

In memoriam to the passengers and crew of Flight 93.

OMG! Football is back!

OMG!  Football is back!

Our Sundays are no longer black!

      So, the zebras are new.

      What’s the worst they can do?

Just please protect my quarterback.* 

*Matthew Stafford – Detroit Lions

Sign in a porn studio foyer:

Sign in a porn studio foyer:

Hiring a orgasm deployer

From granny to teen,

Overweight to lean

We are an equal opportunity employer.

We’ve watched them pursue Olympic dreams

We’ve watched them pursue Olympic dreams

While swimming or dancing on beams.

         But some of those sports

         Put me out of sorts.

I want more beach volleyball teams.

The Morality Police are quite pissed,

The Morality Police are quite pissed,

Since Superman and Wonder Woman kissed.

         Good thing they don’t know

         That just one year ago,

Batman and Catwoman were undressed.

Since Romney won’t release all his taxes,

Since Romney won’t release all his taxes,

Obama just sits back and relaxes.

         ‘Cause he’s got Joe Biden

         Out yelling, “Just what is he hidin’”

So it does not matter what the facts is.

Here’s to the great Michael Phelps (revisited one more time)

Here’s to the great Michael Phelps

Whose achievement caused much cheers and yelps

         It takes lots of mettle

         To win eight gold medals

And that .01 second sure helps.

Here’s to the great Michael Phelps

Whose bong photo caused much cheers and yelps

         The role model’s creed

Says, “The smoking of weed

Near a picture phone almost never helps.

It OK for gay folks to be wed,

It OK for gay folks to be wed,

At least that’s what the President said.

         Why shouldn’t they

         Wake up every day

Wishing to God they were dead?

There was an Olympian named Bruce

There was an Olympian named Bruce

With enough sex appeal for a moose.

         Now his step-daughters dash

         About like tabloid trash

Faster than a sprinter on “juice”.

Look out, I’ve got Olypmic fever.

Look out, I’ve got Olypmic fever.

I’m training as a javelin retriever,

         A soccer foul faker,

         Freelance drug test taker,

Or official Jamacian dreadlocks weaver.

The political TV ad season

The political TV ad season
Offers acusations beyond reason.

         But to feature Ronmey singing

         Was really quite stinging.

To me, it came very close to treason

The food purveyor, Chick-fil-a

The food purveyor, Chick-fil-a

Has come out against everything gay.

         So some flamboyant queens

         Will be making their scenes

To see what the employees have to say.

Because of some remark of Mitt’s,

Because of some remark of Mitt’s,

We’ve got a riled up pack of Brits.

         Remember 12 score ago?

         We showed them all where to go.

He should have said, “Well, if the shoe fits . .”

There once was a fellow named James

There once was a fellow named James,
One of the commonest of first names,

         But when ABC

         Reported who he might be,

He gained the most grisly of fames.

Now, if that had happened to me,

Off to the lawyers, I would flee.

         I’d sue for defamation

         With my destination

As the new owner of ABC.

The next person who says, “Man, it’s hot,”

The next person who says, “Man, it’s hot,”
I will punch out right there on the spot.

         If you quote me degrees,

         I’ll knock you to your knees.

The heat has just made my nerves shot.

So, Anderson Cooper is gay.

So, Anderson Cooper is gay.

I really don’t know what to say.

         CNN didn’t know

         But they’re changing his show

To AC/DC 360 today.

As naked as the day she was born,

As naked as the day she was born,
The Octomom has got into porn.

         To support her brood,

         She posed in the nude,

Showing off the place she had shorn.

To feed its insatiable hunger

To feed its insatiable hunger

Facebook needs new “friends” who are younger

         To discuss SpongeBob

         Or a pre-teen heartthrob

On your friendly neighborhood data-monger.

To Queen Liz upon her Jubilee,

To Queen Liz upon her Jubilee,

Get out of that castle!  Be free!

         Put your grandson in charge.

         Take off on the Royal Barge

And water-ski in the Bay of Fundy.

There once was a politician named Edwards

There once was a politician named Edwards

Who lured a campaign worker bedwards,

         Which he kept denying

         While his wife lay dieing.

What the hell was wrong with him headwards?

The detectives in Santa Cruz

The detectives in Santa Cruz
Are giving would-be robbers the blues.
` They use calculations
To stop criminalizations.
Hope they con’t get sued by Tom Cruise.

Our marching band has lost i’s drum major.

Our marching band has lost its drum major.
America’s oldest teenager.
But, Dick Clark isn’t gone
While the music lives on,
With a beat we can dance to, I’ll wager.

Consider a nondescript hoodie

Consider a nondescript hoodie.
A kid shouldn’t be afraid of it, should he?
But if what we wear
Can generate fear
How many more will get sent home bloody?

If you’ve got lots of money there, Jack.

If you’ve got lots of money there, Jack.
Invest in your own Super-PAC.
You can buy an election
Like a chocolate confection,
And give to boot to that liberal Barack.

By the week after Valentine’s Day

By the week after Valentine’s Day
The flowers have been thrown away
The candy’s been rifled
For truffles and trifles
And she’ll not again wear that lingerie.

As we celebrate Valentine’s Day

As we celebrate Valentine’s Day
I feel it’s important to say,
A VD present
Should be something pleasant.
Don’t give an STD away.

Since tomorrow is Valentines Day

Since tomorrow is Valentines Day,
A word from the men shopping today,
“The flowers and candy,
The jeselry and brandy,
We buy to find someone to lay.”

There once was a QB named Manning

There once was a QB named Manning
With talent generationally spanning
He’s got roguist charm
And a deadly right arm;
Gving opponents and Afghanistanning.

There once was a QB named Brady,

There once was a QB named Brady,
A cool-as-ice cat, not a ‘fraidy.
As he surveyed the field,
He made his foes yield,
He’s like his own one-man brigadey.

There once was a actress named Marg

There once was a actress named Marg
Who made that CSI show larg.
The timeslot got shredded
By our favorite redhead,
With enough talent to fill up a barg.

In the GOP, Santorum is stealthy.

In the GOP, Santorum is stealthy.
Mitt Romney is sorry he’s wealthy.
And Gingrich feels marriage –
Society’s undercarriage –Should be 1 man and 1 woman who’s healthy.

At the Apollo, the Prez made the sceme

At the Apollo, the Prez made the sceme
By channeling the Rev. Al Green.
The the cats ar Fox News
Started singing the blues
Because there’s no soul in their mein.

Mitt Fohmney put himself in the fire

Mitt Romney put himself in the fire
By sawing how much he loves to fire.
But it’s not that bad
As if, rather, he had
Marched them out, lined them up and yelled “Fire!”

There once was a baby named Blue

There once was a baby named Blue;
Born to a hyper-talented two.
At the age of one day
She’s well on her way
With a 14th place Billboard debut.

All eyes to the Iowa caucus,All eyes to the Iowa caucus,

All eyes to the Iowa caucus,
Where the GOP’s causing a ruckus.
We rely on this state
To weed out the slate.
Hey! They didn’t give us Dukakis.