Football is back! 31 football limericks!

I know a young girl in Detroit
Who is much too world wise to exploit.
If you think after dinner
You’ll be lyin’ there in her;
At dodging your pass, she’s adroit.

This woman in Indianapolis
Likes to ride through the countryside braless.
To watch her on her colt
Is not much of a jolt
Because the poor girl is ta-ta-less.

This fellow who lives in New York
Is thought to be a giant dork.
He hands out headsets
On passenger jets.
And claims that it’s challenging work.

There is a young girl in New England
Picks up guys in the bars with her girlfriend.
But no man gets a claim
With a foreign last name.
‘Cause they are patriots to the end.

A forgetful young man in Chicago
Was on the stage playing Iago,
But he was not aware
That waist-down he was bare
Which the audience saw as bravado.

A transvestite living in Cincinnati
Said, “I really not trying to be catty,
“I’ve been guy and been gal,
I guess I’ve seen it all,
And the guy-part is always so ratty.”

An elderly fellow in Cleveland
Wore a button-down shirt with some sleeve bands.
When he tied his brown tie
He thought he would die.
His hands throbbed like you would not believe, man

There was a young girl in Atlanta
Who’ll say anything that she’ll wanta.
It’s falkin’ this and falkin’ that;
Where the falk is my hat.
For sure, she’s getting nothing from Santa.

This woman living in San Francisco
Like to keep track of the men that she . . . you know.
Number 14 was great
As was 78
But 49 . . . er . . . he was so-so.

An East Coaster who moved to Seattle
Said, “My diet is a constant battle.
“Every day I see hawkers
Of hot dogs and tac-ers
I’m afraid that I’ll soon start to waddle.”

There was a young man from Miami
Who fashioned a boat from a chami.
It sank right away
But our boy was okay.
In the dolphin tank at the Aquariuami.

This pretty young wife down in Dallas
Feels trapped in her man’s “Cowboy palace”.
For, she misses her home,
And her kin up in Nome
And the beautiful aurora borealis.

There is this woman who lives in Green Bay
Who likes to make love in a keen way.
She likes to pack ‘er
Air mattress with crackers
‘Cause the crunching makes a much more obscene lay.

The citizens of proud Baltimore
Have Edgar Allen Poe to adore.
The Rue Morgue. The Raven.
The Tell Tale Heart is my faverin.
Forget that great poet? Nevermore

The crazy little women of Kansas City
Are chief among gals who are pretty.
I’m gonna go there
And get me one quite fair.
If I don’t, it’ll be such a pity.

A libidinous woman from Houston
Said, “I’m gonna tell you the truth, son.
You can’t beat the sexin’
You get from a Texan,
Even though they all leave them ol’ boots on.”

My brother down there in Jacksonville
Likes to drive his girlfriend up this one hill
In his bright red Jaguar
Though it’s not a boudoir
She will still go down all the way up hill.

A fellow who grew up in Pittsburgh
Now lives with the Grand Duchess of Hapsburg.
He said, “It’s an art.
To steal ‘er cold heart.
It’s like making love to an iceburg.

This girl I know down in New Orleans
Looks pretty damn good in those jeans.
She says, “S’ain’t no doubt,
“I look better without
‘Em.” I think you know what she means.

A working girl in Tampa Bay
Charges $100 per lay
If that price makes you balk
And you just want to talk,
Just one buck an ear’s what you pay.

Said a mom to her girl in Philadelphia
“Don’t put your love on a shelf, Mia..
“Soar like an eagle,
Be proud and regal.
Not a whore like your sister, Cordellia.

Sweet Lulu LaRue of St. Louis
Was in love with old Doolittle Dewey.
Like a ram with a ewe,
Was old Doo with young Lu.
So, do Doo Dewey do LuLu? Well, do he?

This hooker down in San Diego
Is so hot. You could call her “enfuego”.
But the best part, you see
Is she gives it for free.
Not a charger? Why didn’t you say so?

This elderly man in Carolina
Makes prank phone calls from his reclina.
He’s a raver, a ranter,
A breather, and a panter.
(And you thought the last word was vagina.)

A guy I know in Arizona
Will never have sex with a moana.
You can scream, you can shout,
You can throw things about,
But don’t break the cardinal rule. No bologna!

A jai-alai star in Minnesota
Had moved up North from Sarasota.
“I relish the cold
Like a Viking of old
But I wish I had brought my pelota.”

A young college girl in Denver
Went out on a weekend-long bender.
She woke naked and drunk
On a mechanical bronc.
Oh! She did not know how long she’d been there.

A well-meaning fellow in Oakland
Met a girl who said, “I am broke, friend.”
She asked him to raid a
7-11 ’frigerata,
And let him get arrested, heartbroken.

A tanning salon clerk in Washington
Said, “I tan with just a g-string on.
So, where my red skin ends
Is where your fun begins.
Yeah, you could think of me as a sure thing, Son.”

This bachelor down in Tennessee
Plies his women with Lynchburg whisky.
He says, “Two shots gets them tight, and “
Two more and they might’en
“Get a little more looser and frisky.”

My old friend Bill loves Buffalo
Where it often gets 20 below.
He keeps his hands warm enough
In his wife’s fur-lined muff.
Though, her ass does get cold, don’t you know?