I feel sorry for poor Jodi Arias

I feel sorry for poor Jodi Arias

Whose defense is hanging precarious

         Those phone calls and texts,

         Tells me this girl likes sex,

But, maybe, with partners more various.

You know I will never disparage

You know I will never disparage

Those folks who support same-sex marriage.

         Once a week, all my life,

         It’s “same sex” with my wife,

Since she will not touch my undercarriage. 

I say hats off to cyclist Lance

I say hats off to cyclist Lance

Who did not win those Tours de France.

         But, to cheat, they all say,

Is the American way.

So proudly wear those fiery pants. 

The new Yahoo! CEO is a jerk!

“The new Yahoo! CEO is a jerk!

She’s making us all come to work.”

         Such are all the dramas

         Of staffers in pajamas.

Excuse me while I hide a smirk.

Miters* off to the retiring Pope,

Miters* off to the retiring Pope,

That he has a good life, I do hope.

         He should sail the Med Sea,

         Drive a Lamborghini,

Or ski down a pristine Alpine slope. 

*Miter – noun - the official headdress of a bishop in the Western Church, in its modern form a tall cap with a top deeply cleft crosswise, the outline of the front and back resembling that of a pointed arch.  

So, the comics have killed off poor Robin

So, the comics have killed off poor Robin

Leaving Batman just broken and sobbin’.

         But tragedy entails

         Phenomenal sales,

So the fans at the shops will be mobbin’.

They say Danica is on the pole.

They say Danica is on the pole.

I can only say, “God bless her soul!”

         Then I heard she’s no stripper;

Or fire suit unzipper.

Just a girl with first place as her goal.

 

I keep hearing about this sequester.

I keep hearing about this sequester.

In the words of my good friend, Sylvester,

“Sufferin’ succotash!”

We get by on less cash,

While Congress lets our economy fester.

The award shows are asking those attending;

The award shows are asking those attending;

(The stars and those just pretending)

         Please keep cleavage subtle

(both boobal and buttal)

To minimize any chance of offending.

The asteroid that zoomed past the moon

The asteroid that zoomed past the moon

Sent us a message; “How ya doin’

         Where’s the black monolith

         That we jump-started you with?

We might need to use it again.”

Got those boring old vacation blues?

Got those boring old vacation blues?

Try our Ultimate Survival Cruise!

         No toilet. No shower.

         No electrical power.

Make sure you bring sewage-proof shoes.

There once was a cyclist named Lance

There once was a cyclist named Lance

Who awoke to discover his pants

         Had burst into flames

         Because of his claims

As the cleanest guy in all of France.

I’ve recently had an epiph . . .

I’ve recently had an epiph . . .

About the looming fiscal cliff:

         That ideology

         Has become urology,

While we subsist on stale bread and Jif.

There once was a fellow named Golic

There once was a fellow named Golic

Who live a life that was quite apostolic.

      Except in the fall,

      While playing football,

When he was demonic and trollic.

 

Happy birthday, Mike Golic!

There once was a man called Patraeus

There once was a man called Patraeus

Who managed the U.S.C.I.A.us

         Until the F.B.I.

         Caught him playing hai alai

And thought that he might betray us.