The next person who says, “Man, it’s hot,”

The next person who says, “Man, it’s hot,”
I will punch out right there on the spot.

         If you quote me degrees,

         I’ll knock you to your knees.

The heat has just made my nerves shot.

So, Anderson Cooper is gay.

So, Anderson Cooper is gay.

I really don’t know what to say.

         CNN didn’t know

         But they’re changing his show

To AC/DC 360 today.

As naked as the day she was born,

As naked as the day she was born,
The Octomom has got into porn.

         To support her brood,

         She posed in the nude,

Showing off the place she had shorn.

To feed its insatiable hunger

To feed its insatiable hunger

Facebook needs new “friends” who are younger

         To discuss SpongeBob

         Or a pre-teen heartthrob

On your friendly neighborhood data-monger.

To Queen Liz upon her Jubilee,

To Queen Liz upon her Jubilee,

Get out of that castle!  Be free!

         Put your grandson in charge.

         Take off on the Royal Barge

And water-ski in the Bay of Fundy.

There once was a politician named Edwards

There once was a politician named Edwards

Who lured a campaign worker bedwards,

         Which he kept denying

         While his wife lay dieing.

What the hell was wrong with him headwards?

The detectives in Santa Cruz

The detectives in Santa Cruz
Are giving would-be robbers the blues.
` They use calculations
To stop criminalizations.
Hope they con’t get sued by Tom Cruise.

Our marching band has lost i’s drum major.

Our marching band has lost its drum major.
America’s oldest teenager.
But, Dick Clark isn’t gone
While the music lives on,
With a beat we can dance to, I’ll wager.

Consider a nondescript hoodie

Consider a nondescript hoodie.
A kid shouldn’t be afraid of it, should he?
But if what we wear
Can generate fear
How many more will get sent home bloody?

If you’ve got lots of money there, Jack.

If you’ve got lots of money there, Jack.
Invest in your own Super-PAC.
You can buy an election
Like a chocolate confection,
And give to boot to that liberal Barack.

By the week after Valentine’s Day

By the week after Valentine’s Day
The flowers have been thrown away
The candy’s been rifled
For truffles and trifles
And she’ll not again wear that lingerie.

As we celebrate Valentine’s Day

As we celebrate Valentine’s Day
I feel it’s important to say,
A VD present
Should be something pleasant.
Don’t give an STD away.

Since tomorrow is Valentines Day

Since tomorrow is Valentines Day,
A word from the men shopping today,
“The flowers and candy,
The jeselry and brandy,
We buy to find someone to lay.”

There once was a QB named Manning

There once was a QB named Manning
With talent generationally spanning
He’s got roguist charm
And a deadly right arm;
Gving opponents and Afghanistanning.

There once was a QB named Brady,

There once was a QB named Brady,
A cool-as-ice cat, not a ‘fraidy.
As he surveyed the field,
He made his foes yield,
He’s like his own one-man brigadey.