Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Dick Cheney held a sign on a street corner

Dick Cheney held a sign on a street corner
Labeling him as a “Licensed Political Scorner”.
On the reverse you could see,
“Will revise history for free.”
He’s a well-dressed apocalyptical warner.

Monday, April 27, 2009

I don't really watch that much TV

I don’t really watch that much TV
Except for that CNBC
Yeah, my stocks are still down
And that gives me a frown
But, Maria Bartiromo still gives me great glee.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

When asked about football, I retort

When asked about football, I retort,
“I don’t follow professional sports.”
And when you look at
My Detroit Lions hat
I point out they’re an amateur sort.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Closed for the holidays

Watching the NFL Draft. On TV. On the computer. On the radio. Luckily, I can't afford an iPhone.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Yankee Stadium is the ball players' dream

Yankee Stadium is the ballplayers’ dream;
The home of the cream of the cream.
And home of those home runs
Flying out like V-1s.
Its too bad they were hit by the visiting team.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I like Mike and Mike in the Morning

I like Mike and Mike in the Morning.
You should listen, but follow this warning.
Golic only is smart
About the athletic art,
And Greeny’s manliness deserves a scorning.

Since I am the only sports fan here at the Center, I rarely get to discuss last night's game with anyone. Therefore, I enjoy ESPN Radio for my sports fix, and Mike and Mike is the best way the start the morning.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Here's to the modern coffee shop

Here’s to the modern coffee shop
Where both slackers and hard-chargers stop
These disparate groups mix
For their caffeine fix
At 3 to 4 dollars a pop.

Friday, April 17, 2009

That "ShamWow" guy Vince had to pay

That “ShamWow” guy Vince had to pay
For a fight with a hooker, they say
He wanted sex twice
For only one price.
She said, “We can’t do this all day.”

Thursday, April 16, 2009

The national mystery is at last over

The national mystery is at last over.
The Obamas have selected their “Rover”.
If he house-breaks their pet
There might be hope yet
That the Prez can get Congress to roll over.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

The Postal Service is honoring Homer

The Postal Service is honoring Homer;
Not the Greek, the Fox network gomer.
The Simpsons on stamps
Might give some people cramps;
Maybe next year for the Illiad’s poemer.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

And then of course, there's Bridgette

And then of course, there’s Bridgette
Who certainly is not at all frigid.
Her considerable skill
(And that little blue pill)
Insures that the old troll stays rigid.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Whenever I spend time with Kendra

Whenever I spend time with Kendra
My mind just wants to surrendra.
She’s brought being non-smart
To the level of art,
And I don’t think that she’s a pretendra.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

There once was a bimbo named Holly

There once was a bimbo named Holly
Who was always so irritatingly jolly.
But her smile is as real
As her boobs, so I feel,
She’s just like an inflatable dolly.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Hugh Hefner has revived the Bunny

Hugh Hefner has revived the Bunny,
But there’s something I think is quite funny,
The math at my school
Could not provide a rule
That allows 82 to so many times go into 20.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

I hate that "Shamwow" fellow Vince

I hate that “Shamwow” fellow Vince
The most irritating pitchman since
That troll Billy Mays
And I’ll scream out “No way”,
If he gets a “Girls Gone Wild” lap dance.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I'm in love with the Pregressive girl, Flo

I’m in love with the Progressive girl, Flo.
I think of her everywhere I go.
If I could just find her store
I’d throw myself on the floor,
And not leave ‘til she gave me a tango.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Here's to the immortal Babe Ruth

Here’s to the immortal Babe Ruth
Baseball’s greatest player, in truth.
No ‘roids or hormones
Those runs were his own
Aided only by 86 proof.

Baseball is back. Can Summer be far behind?

Monday, April 6, 2009

To make our economy strong

To make our ecomomy strong
We must move veteran leaders along,
With their moral lackage
They think the stimulus package
Is a congressional page in a thong.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

There once were twin girls named Olsen

There once were twin girls named Olsen
Who were precious, winsome and wholesome.
They turned by some trick
Into fright wigs on sticks
Surviving on cocaine and Molson.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

I was sitting in my ice fishing shack

I was sitting in my ice fishing shack
When I was startled by a frightening “Crack!”
Thank God the Coast Guard
Rescued my fat lard
‘Cause the sheriff wanted to throw us all back.

A few months ago, over 100 ice fishermen and women had to rescued from Lake Erie by the Coast Guard, the Ottawa County Sheriff's Department and Fire Department. The sheriff was seen on local and national news ranting about the cost of rescuing these people who were deliverately risking their lives by going out on the ice under unstable conditions. You go, sheriff.

Friday, April 3, 2009

I propose we boycott AIG

I propose we boycott AIG
To protest its bailout funds spree.
I found that I had to squint
To find in the fine print,
"Dishonesty is AIG's policy."

Thursday, April 2, 2009

The President flexed his political muscle

The President flexed his political muscle
And GM caved in without a tussle.
He said, “Fire this guy.”
GM said, “Aye, Aye.”
And hired his brother-in-law, Russell.